Here’s Your Mood Boost: Pre-World War II Kurohikifurisode; The B-GAME

Do you ever feel like you’re not excelling at what you love to do, and it gets you down? Do you ever feel like you’re just a cog in a machine? Do you ever feel deflated and dismayed because your art just isn’t where you want it to be, and it smashes up against your desire to create?

I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. This has been happening to we humans from time immemorial. Keep going!

And some people make a good living just skating the fuck by on big “meh” energy, so your big fucking “want it” energy is gonna get get you somewhere! The hell am I talking about? When did anyone ever get anywhere not caring about their craft?!

Haha! Welcome to reality, where shit is weirder then it could ever be in any fantasy, because it has the audacity to actually happen, and look at this fucking thing. It’s amazing and beautiful… until you get anywhere near it.

WHEEEEERE do I begin? Buckle up, it’s time for another Silk & Bones™ Shitshow.

Oh, I know. I have a treat for you. I have stitched together this series of 20 second video clips of me explaining to Roza how goddamn bizarre this thing is. The video quality is bad. Like, painfully bad, because this was a data recovery situation. But you get to hear me go insane at it. Then we’ll go over the weirdness.

Did you enjoy that? I hope you did. I was dying. And for anyone wondering if I have the technical high ground to be judging anyone’s artwork, the answer is: no. Absolutely not. Well kind of. Yes. In fact I am a fucking illustrator. In fact, it’s a skill I lean on for my restorations because sometimes I have to draw shit back in.

Here’s an old screenshot I took when talking to a friend about my absolute hard on for chiaroscuro.

Pictured: Big dick wrist energy.

It’s actually really hard for me to say things like “I am good at ___.” And this is one of them. But I literally teach this stuff, too, so it’s also fair to say that I fully believe that being able to draw is a skill that can be taught rather than explicitly a natural talent to be had. Anyone can learn. Yes you, too.

And so it is from that high ground that I say: who in the actual hell let this person anywhere near the yuzen station?

Pictured: Little Timmy Tsuru, nooooo!

And if you look at Little Timmy Tsuru’s spectacularly emphasized brain tumor, you’ll see that it, too, has a degraded kinsai outline. Which means someone went: this definitely is part of a crane! And did that on purpose.

Let’s talk about the weird ass head shapes some of these birds have. Because Timmy isn’t the only time they hired someone who has never seen a bird before to draw some birds. Someone went through and did some remodeling with a fucking sledge hammer to these poor avian bastards.

They just could not decide how the wanted to embroider those beaks, either. It’s not damaged embroidery. I thought it was–I was convinced it was pulled. But it’s actually quite firm, and the stitches are, upon closer inspection, right and tight. They did that shit on purpose, too.

When they were done crushing skulls and sewing mouths shut, they ran this poor motherfucker over with, presumably, a tank:

Pictured: Roadkill.

And when that wasn’t enough, we have Frankenstein’s Birb Monster. Because the only way to justify these limbs and how they attach to the abdomen is that they were stolen from other dead birds in various states of decay, and sewn on. BEHOLD:

And if you’re not sure why that’s horrifyingly uncomfortable, I’ve got you fam:

Pictured: Actual war crimes.

So, I think it’s pretty safe to say that the worst things about this motherfucking wedding dress is the artwork. But that’s not to say that there isn’t anything wrong with this kimono condition-wise, though. There’s a ton of kinsai to be repaired because why the hell wouldn’t there be, and that’s going to present a unique challenge in that some of the kinsai application is -checks notes- completely goddamn random and nonsensical.

Okay, but why though?!

Also there’s one of those random pieces of tape on it that I referenced in the video. It’s maybe a little bit thicker than modern washi tape. I’m not really sure what’s going on with that. There were three, total, but the first one I peeled off without documenting because fuck you I was a bit befuddled by it.

There’s no damage beneath them, and they came off clean. I have no idea.

I guess no one dies?

As is usually true with my domestic purchases, I will need to do some tailoring on the sleeves. That’s a repair that good 80% of the kimono I buy like this need. Must be {INSERT DAY OF WEEK}.

There’s no damage to the fabric, though. So that’s like a five minute repair. Also, I want you to know that I take the pictures of the seam splitting on the sleeves like this explicitly because it makes me giggle like a dirty thot. I’m not even remotely sorry.

In a rare moment where I’m just really not sure what’s up with this, there’s dye bleed that I actually think is just poor craftsmanship because there’s basically no other signs of moisture damage anywhere. And these dye run areas are not really where sweat would be too much of a concern. Then I got it wet on purpose to test colorfastness. Yeah I think this was just a bad job. But it’s hard to say that so long after it was done.

Fucking majestic.

We also have these kamon (family crests) which were filed in at one point. With something that was not the same color dye. Not even slightly.

Now, it’s not completely unusual to see dye problems in the kamon area. Especially if the kimono itself has some fading problems or has been subjected to moisture damage. The kamon can look purple-y after significant UV damage–that’s a real thing. But I don’t think that’s what’s happened here. These are just fucking purple. On purpose. They’re all five like that, they’re fugitive so I can take up dye, and oh golly gee willikers is it deep eggplant goddamn purple.

My brain manufactured a story where the guy who had to dye those in just was literally to goddamn lazy to get up and grab black dye, and therefore used whatever was in arm’s reach. And I can feel that because that’s some shit I’d think about doing on my bad pain days. No hate.

The hakkake and lining are in near perfect condition. Well, insofar as there’s no damage. Quality is still in question.

Pictured: good job, you deformed little cretin.

And as we bring this to a close, my beautiful readers, I’m actually not sure what the hell to do with this. Part of me just wants to clean it a bit and then hang it up on my wall permanently in its full half-assed glory. I am fully capable of correcting Little Timmy Tsuru’s brain tumor. I can even add pigment to correct some other weirdness. I can cover the bleeding. But do I want to? Or do I want to drag people over to this one specifically when they come over and screech “LOOK AT THIS WHIMSICAL FUCKERY” instead?

I’ma sit on it for a bit. In the meantime, I hope you laughed at this as hard as I did. I also hope it made you feel as everyone as it made me, that no matter where you are in your progress for your craft…you didn’t give Little Timmy Tsuru a brain tumor.

Join me next time when it’ll either be boats or kitsune.


6 thoughts on “Here’s Your Mood Boost: Pre-World War II Kurohikifurisode; The B-GAME

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